Almost 5 months later

Its been nearly five months since I took the Deplin! Some of my physical symptoms have improved, such as my heart doesnt race anymore, and Ive gained 6 pounds (due to the zyprexa I presume), and I dont jerk in my sleep anymore, and only have mild muscle twitches. I still shake often, which is odd to me, being on medications, and makes me wonder if it isnt nerve damage from what I went through.
Im still in disbelief. I sleep a bit better some nights, and am getting about an hours more sleep.
BUT what hasnt improved as much is my mental status. I am still not me. The medictions barely keep the awful heightend feeling at bay, and I still cant connect to others, or feel any emotions of pleasure, connect with anyone, and havent been able to laugh in 5 months!
That is the worst part of this. I fear it will never return.
I am no longer seeing the Doctor who put me on 60 mg's of valium a day, swore at me, and told me to stuff it and learn to live being miserable. However, my new Doctor recently had surgery, and it turned out to be cancer. I hope he gets well. And selfishly for my own sake as well.
This isnt some "normal' depression, or bipolar thing at all. Something happened when I took the Deplin and received no treatment for the reaction, which I still cant comprehend either.
THIS is the most awful thing to live with, I pray everyday, I just want to be me again, to have my life back, to be calm, and to laugh again.
I am taking 42 1/4 mg's valium a day (I wish that first psyciatrist would have never raised my diazepam so high (valium). And 10 to 12.6 mg's Zyprexa. I quit taking the Lexapro for a few days so I can see if the Zyprexa is helping me. It is to some extent of coarse, but it doesnt make me feel normal by any means or like my self. I feel like Ive aged 50 years. I dont know what to do everyday, the days are long and empty, and I just do the dishes and laundry without feeling.
It scares the heck out of me being on this much diazepam, especially where I really dont feel much from taking it, or at least I dont think I do. And I have no idea how I'm going to get off of it, or how long that will take. The future scares me, as I dont know the answer to that, or know if I will recover. In my desperation Ive written the Dr. Phil Show, as well as Oprah, I guess on the hope that what happend to me would matter and that they would have resources to help me that I dont have. I havent heard back from them, and am losing hope that I will.
I may not be anyone to them, but I was someone to my family, who still needs me back.
Amber is now having to take antidepressants, and seeing a psyciatrist and councelor because she became suicidal over all of this. This isnt the daughter I knew, and it is so wrong how losing me this way has effected her. My husband couldnt handle it either, and after well over 540 days sober after a dui in 07, he drank two beers and went for a drive (dumb I know) and got pulled over speeding. I wish he would have sought counceling himself, and so does he. He was trying to escape the wrong way, and now he is going to serve time in jail. What will we do without him?
I cant do this alone, I still am not better, and have a long way to go. His probation officer has no compasion and is pushing for the maximum. Our close knit happy family has fallen apart peice by peice. I will keep praying, and trying the best I can. I still cant watch tv either, or read yet.
I seriously feel like I have neuro damage, I was always smart as a whip, loved to read, dance, sing, etc. but that is all gone now. I cant even figure out how to do my taxes, when I used to do taxes for everyone! Dear God, how much longer must I wait? Please bless my family with a miracle, bring Amber comfort and keep her safe. Please help me. Amen