No way to live!

Last night I touched up Ambers hair color. I remember I used to love to do this for her, we would chat, joke and laugh. I did it last because I know I love her, but felt nothing, I hate this!I just did it mechanically, unable to interact, unable to feel. GOD she was my best friend, and all her friends loved being at our house and joking and laughing with me too. But I am not really here anymore. This state of being is not livable. A life without the ability to feel joy, laughter, happiness, and the inability to relate to others joy is not an acceptable life. I NEVER would have dreamed before 11/7/2008 when my brain was basically damaged by deplin, that I would ever consider killing myself for any reason what so ever. But thoughts of suicide are entering my mind. And who could blame me, if they felt what I do now. It is beyond anything you can comprehend, I promise you that much. I will hold on, pray, and hold onto faith that a miracle is about to happen, at least a thread of hope for help is comming. If not, than I suppose God may be done with me, and have some reason He wants me to endure this. After 110 days with no ability to feel pleasure of any kind, my will and strength to hang on are waining. Ive written to the Dr. Phil show, and even Oprah, but no response. I cant expect the world to stop to save my life. Although I wish I could. I hate to hurt my family, and I really dont want to die, but my brain is not getting better yet. I have emailed prayer requests to tv programs, and local churches, for help. Thats how desperate I am for help. But there is none it seems. I will wait a few more days, see if my some miracle that someone comes to my rescue, or that the new doctor I see on thursday has something better to treat me with, and actually read my story about all that is happening to me since having a bad reaction to a medication given to me off label my the pa.
I cant be expected to live this way. Thank you Lord for all the good years with my family, thank you for my wonderful children, I am proud of them all. They are wonderful people, and I have been blessed by them. Thank you for my husband, who has done so much to help, but feels defeated because he cant help me, bless him. Thank you for my parents who have loved me, and done so much for me and our family, I have truely been blessed with a wonderful family. But I can no longer show them appreication, or really truely appreicate them anymore either. Something in my brain is gone, and 110 days has been long enough to hold on. Ive had enough. Love to all, and God bless you Always! My children, you have been the light of my life, and I will always be greatful for that. Please be understanding that I am no longer the mother you once had. Please remember me as I was before what happened to me. Love FOREVER MOM, Jennifer
Posted by Jencon at 6:55 PM