Feeling a little better, but having to take med's to do so. Still not sleeping enough, but its a bit better than it was. Just trying to stay busy around the house while I am getting slowly better.
Dad and Mom are coming to visit this week, and I'm happy about that, we need their support
right now, and I miss them. Amber is doing a bit better as well, thank God!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Almost 5 months later
Its been nearly five months since I took the Deplin! Some of my physical symptoms have improved, such as my heart doesnt race anymore, and Ive gained 6 pounds (due to the zyprexa I presume), and I dont jerk in my sleep anymore, and only have mild muscle twitches. I still shake often, which is odd to me, being on medications, and makes me wonder if it isnt nerve damage from what I went through.
Im still in disbelief. I sleep a bit better some nights, and am getting about an hours more sleep.
BUT what hasnt improved as much is my mental status. I am still not me. The medictions barely keep the awful heightend feeling at bay, and I still cant connect to others, or feel any emotions of pleasure, connect with anyone, and havent been able to laugh in 5 months!
That is the worst part of this. I fear it will never return.
I am no longer seeing the Doctor who put me on 60 mg's of valium a day, swore at me, and told me to stuff it and learn to live being miserable. However, my new Doctor recently had surgery, and it turned out to be cancer. I hope he gets well. And selfishly for my own sake as well.
This isnt some "normal' depression, or bipolar thing at all. Something happened when I took the Deplin and received no treatment for the reaction, which I still cant comprehend either.
THIS is the most awful thing to live with, I pray everyday, I just want to be me again, to have my life back, to be calm, and to laugh again.
I am taking 42 1/4 mg's valium a day (I wish that first psyciatrist would have never raised my diazepam so high (valium). And 10 to 12.6 mg's Zyprexa. I quit taking the Lexapro for a few days so I can see if the Zyprexa is helping me. It is to some extent of coarse, but it doesnt make me feel normal by any means or like my self. I feel like Ive aged 50 years. I dont know what to do everyday, the days are long and empty, and I just do the dishes and laundry without feeling.
It scares the heck out of me being on this much diazepam, especially where I really dont feel much from taking it, or at least I dont think I do. And I have no idea how I'm going to get off of it, or how long that will take. The future scares me, as I dont know the answer to that, or know if I will recover. In my desperation Ive written the Dr. Phil Show, as well as Oprah, I guess on the hope that what happend to me would matter and that they would have resources to help me that I dont have. I havent heard back from them, and am losing hope that I will.
I may not be anyone to them, but I was someone to my family, who still needs me back.
Amber is now having to take antidepressants, and seeing a psyciatrist and councelor because she became suicidal over all of this. This isnt the daughter I knew, and it is so wrong how losing me this way has effected her. My husband couldnt handle it either, and after well over 540 days sober after a dui in 07, he drank two beers and went for a drive (dumb I know) and got pulled over speeding. I wish he would have sought counceling himself, and so does he. He was trying to escape the wrong way, and now he is going to serve time in jail. What will we do without him?
I cant do this alone, I still am not better, and have a long way to go. His probation officer has no compasion and is pushing for the maximum. Our close knit happy family has fallen apart peice by peice. I will keep praying, and trying the best I can. I still cant watch tv either, or read yet.
I seriously feel like I have neuro damage, I was always smart as a whip, loved to read, dance, sing, etc. but that is all gone now. I cant even figure out how to do my taxes, when I used to do taxes for everyone! Dear God, how much longer must I wait? Please bless my family with a miracle, bring Amber comfort and keep her safe. Please help me. Amen
Im still in disbelief. I sleep a bit better some nights, and am getting about an hours more sleep.
BUT what hasnt improved as much is my mental status. I am still not me. The medictions barely keep the awful heightend feeling at bay, and I still cant connect to others, or feel any emotions of pleasure, connect with anyone, and havent been able to laugh in 5 months!
That is the worst part of this. I fear it will never return.
I am no longer seeing the Doctor who put me on 60 mg's of valium a day, swore at me, and told me to stuff it and learn to live being miserable. However, my new Doctor recently had surgery, and it turned out to be cancer. I hope he gets well. And selfishly for my own sake as well.
This isnt some "normal' depression, or bipolar thing at all. Something happened when I took the Deplin and received no treatment for the reaction, which I still cant comprehend either.
THIS is the most awful thing to live with, I pray everyday, I just want to be me again, to have my life back, to be calm, and to laugh again.
I am taking 42 1/4 mg's valium a day (I wish that first psyciatrist would have never raised my diazepam so high (valium). And 10 to 12.6 mg's Zyprexa. I quit taking the Lexapro for a few days so I can see if the Zyprexa is helping me. It is to some extent of coarse, but it doesnt make me feel normal by any means or like my self. I feel like Ive aged 50 years. I dont know what to do everyday, the days are long and empty, and I just do the dishes and laundry without feeling.
It scares the heck out of me being on this much diazepam, especially where I really dont feel much from taking it, or at least I dont think I do. And I have no idea how I'm going to get off of it, or how long that will take. The future scares me, as I dont know the answer to that, or know if I will recover. In my desperation Ive written the Dr. Phil Show, as well as Oprah, I guess on the hope that what happend to me would matter and that they would have resources to help me that I dont have. I havent heard back from them, and am losing hope that I will.
I may not be anyone to them, but I was someone to my family, who still needs me back.
Amber is now having to take antidepressants, and seeing a psyciatrist and councelor because she became suicidal over all of this. This isnt the daughter I knew, and it is so wrong how losing me this way has effected her. My husband couldnt handle it either, and after well over 540 days sober after a dui in 07, he drank two beers and went for a drive (dumb I know) and got pulled over speeding. I wish he would have sought counceling himself, and so does he. He was trying to escape the wrong way, and now he is going to serve time in jail. What will we do without him?
I cant do this alone, I still am not better, and have a long way to go. His probation officer has no compasion and is pushing for the maximum. Our close knit happy family has fallen apart peice by peice. I will keep praying, and trying the best I can. I still cant watch tv either, or read yet.
I seriously feel like I have neuro damage, I was always smart as a whip, loved to read, dance, sing, etc. but that is all gone now. I cant even figure out how to do my taxes, when I used to do taxes for everyone! Dear God, how much longer must I wait? Please bless my family with a miracle, bring Amber comfort and keep her safe. Please help me. Amen
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Medications & still no laughter
I am taking 3 medications now
15 mgs zyprexa
20 mgs lexapro
45 mgs diazepam (reduced myself from 60mgs previous dr had me take)
12.5 mgs benadryl at night
I still dont feel right, or like myself, and still cant feel pleasure, laugh, or enjoy anything.
Something is very wrong, but without insurance, there isnt much I can do to find out what,
other than to do this, and believe that the reaction I had to deplin left untreated caused me
to develope a "mental illness" at the age of 41!
15 mgs zyprexa
20 mgs lexapro
45 mgs diazepam (reduced myself from 60mgs previous dr had me take)
12.5 mgs benadryl at night
I still dont feel right, or like myself, and still cant feel pleasure, laugh, or enjoy anything.
Something is very wrong, but without insurance, there isnt much I can do to find out what,
other than to do this, and believe that the reaction I had to deplin left untreated caused me
to develope a "mental illness" at the age of 41!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Slow Progress
I have a long way to go, and now have to take medications I would have never dreamed of.
I still dont feel right, or like myself at all. But with the help of this new Doctor, who is considerate of my situation, I am trying to have faith that I will get better soon.
Still havent laughed, or felt joy, waiting for the antidepressant to kick in, pray it helps soon. I am still shaking, and having tremors at this high dose of meds, which indicates to me that there is more to this, but without resources and insurance there is nothing more I can do. Still not feeling so great, not myself, but a little better, and sleeping more. Going to have to talk to Doctor next week appt. not sure how the antidepressent can work when the zyprexa blocks serotonin?
I keep praying I will wake up, and this was all a bad dream, but it is my life, and I need help so desperatly! 3/12/09 125 days today! God Help Me!
I still dont feel right, or like myself at all. But with the help of this new Doctor, who is considerate of my situation, I am trying to have faith that I will get better soon.
Still havent laughed, or felt joy, waiting for the antidepressant to kick in, pray it helps soon. I am still shaking, and having tremors at this high dose of meds, which indicates to me that there is more to this, but without resources and insurance there is nothing more I can do. Still not feeling so great, not myself, but a little better, and sleeping more. Going to have to talk to Doctor next week appt. not sure how the antidepressent can work when the zyprexa blocks serotonin?
I keep praying I will wake up, and this was all a bad dream, but it is my life, and I need help so desperatly! 3/12/09 125 days today! God Help Me!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
my new life since taking Deplin
I am in hysterics, if thats what you call it. I went to the psychiatrist wanting to get off the valium I was on (15 mgs a day) and being put on other meds to help me. Instead he raised my valium to 60 mg's a day. It helped for a few days to some extent, but no longer works, and in some ways I feel worse, more suicidal than ever. Never dreamed I would be suicidal.Anyway, this isnt the right doctor for me, so I went to a new one yesterday(march 2nd).I am still going to have to take the high dose of valium for a while, while I add new meds, so we know what is what as far as side effects go. Taking Zyprexa and Lexapro now as well.Never dreamed in a million years I would ever need these types of meds what so ever.I have no control over what ever imbalance happened in my body and brain due to the Deplin reacton, if I did, I WOULD BE BETTER! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs right now.I hate the way I feel. This heightened state with no cause that I can think of is INTOLERABLE! I need to get well, I still cant feel any pleasure emotions, laugh, feel joy, etc. Worse than you can imagine. Just praying He will be the one who will know how to treat me, or a better way to help me. Praying these meds might bring me back to even some resemblance of who I was before taking the Deplin. This doctor really listened and cared, so I have hope that is the right one to help me, as far as I can be helped. However, I still have symptoms such as muscle twitching, and shaking, so likely nervous system damage imo, that meds arent going to fix. This is my last straw. Holding onto my last thread of hope and faith! I dont even know how Im going to make it until then..... Ive been living this for 115 days!!!! Enough is enough. I wish I wouldnt have taken the deplin! If only I could go back.....
3/4/09 The new doctor took a lot more interest in my symptoms, what happened, and actually listened, and took much more time to determine how to help me. I think this one will actually help me the best he can, and really seemed to care.
And not being heard, yelled at and sworn at like the last one was also a major plus.
Keep praying!
3/4/09 The new doctor took a lot more interest in my symptoms, what happened, and actually listened, and took much more time to determine how to help me. I think this one will actually help me the best he can, and really seemed to care.
And not being heard, yelled at and sworn at like the last one was also a major plus.
Keep praying!
Exodus
I am still waiting to hear from you! Who gave P.A. Janee Gillette the permission to prescribe Deplin to me off label for heavy periods? Did the drug rep recommend this? Why werent blood tests performed prior, as the pharmacology about Deplin says should be done? If this medication wouldnt have been given to me off label, for something IT IS NOT FOR, this wouldnt have happened. I deserve some answers, and still waiting to hear from you Janee, as well as your medical director. I deserve some answers, and not going to let this be swept under the rug any longer! I called two weeks ago, and was told today by H.R. That you say you have tried to call me. I have caller ID and NO one from your facility has tried to contact me at all! As well, your clinic was aware when I came in on 11/9/08 due to this, that there was a problem, I appreciate the N.P. trying to help, but enough wasnt done or paid attention to, its time you respond. Finally heard from Janee yesterday, she sort of apologized, but said she gave me the Deplin for anxiety. Thats odd, I recall I was in a great mood that day, and we didnt discuss anxiety at all. The focus was on my heavy periods. Either way, it was prescribed off label, as it isnt for anxiety either. She claimed she would have had to do a LUMBAR PUNCTURE to test me before giving it to me for folic acid deficiency. What? This woman should NOT be playing psychiatrist when she is a P.A. And she DID prescribe me the Deplin sample for heavy mentrual cycle, and she knows it. The question is why? Either way it was off label, and if it required a lumbar puncture, why the heck would she give it to me at all! And the appt prior she gave me a bottle of lamictal for no reason at all other than trying to take over for my neurologist, which I didnt take. Wish I wouldnt have taken the Deplin, but she said it would help my heavy periods, so I was willing. If only I could go back.... and not take it!
To respond to a post
To respond to any of my posts, you can sign your name if you want or not. The other options to post are to complicated, so just use the annonymous option, it makes it easy. Your responses, resources, and Prayers are appreciated. Hanging on for one more day!
Inability to feel joy
Even at this high dose of valium (60 mgs) a day, I am barely hanging on, my body is spitting it out like nothing, which is odd. I feel the heightened state comming back in only after 14 days at this dose. I called the Doc and he has no other meds to offer me. I never thought I would need med's in a million years!The sun is shining, and a day I would usually love, but even with the valium, the part of my brain that feels pleasure, joy, love, drive, enjoyment, etc. is dead due to what happened to me.Some of the family went to a movie today, something I would have enjoyed before 11/7/08 as well. but I cant sit still, or follow a tv program, or grasp much of anything. So I sit here writing, and waiting with the last bit of faith I have left that God is watching out for me, and help to heal me is comming soon! I miss my life! I cant cry today, that heightened sense is back, which doesnt even allow that emotion to come out. I hate this, I hate my life. I have NEVER ever abused my medication, but its not working, which is weird, and the doctor has nothing else to offer me at this point. God Please Help Me!!!!
Needing your prayers!
Please pray for me! For healing, for patience, and for my family, esp. my daughter who is suffering greatly over what has happned to me! And also please pray that Dr.Phil show, or Oprah, will help know someone who can help me soon! Please pray for my family who is suffering greatly over this as well. Thank you!
How it began 11/7/08, when a reaction to Deplin destroyed my life
(I wrote to Dr. Phil)*Here is what happened: On 11/6/08 I was a 41 year old functioning woman, who took care of her family, shopped, cooked, laughed, was an avid reader, had close relations with my children. Then it all changed overnight. I was given a pill (Deplin) off label by a pa that I had a very severe reaction to.A 41 year old stable woman does not take a pill, have a reaction, and turn “mental” overnight. But I did, it happened, and destroyed my life!
I was not treated, have been and am going through hell. I want my life back! Please help me get my life back. On 11/5/08 I was given a pill deplin(off label) by a pa at doc office. I took it on 11/7/08 p.m. Within hours of taking it I began to shake uncontrollably, head tremor, burning inside and out, severe burning hands and feet, neuropathy, hard pounding racing heart, stomach cramps, unintelligible thinking, diarhea, muscle twitches, and complete insomnia. I developed an unexplained heightened state with no cause. Intense chills in body, especially in legs, tingling hands and feet, head tremor. Convulsive jerks, odd intrusive thoughts, and much more to describe. It has been intolerable. In the last 100 plus days I only slept 1-4 hours using benadryl and 30-40 nights have not slept at all. Poison Control said it could have been one of the other ingredients in the Deplin that caused the reaction, I guess I will never know. My brain litterly shook in my head for about 6-8 weeks, my head shook so hard, and I cant believe that the medical professionals couldnt help me, or get that I had a reaction to a drug that caused it.
No one shakes like that for weeks on end, not even nerves could do that!
I was not treated properly, first hospital never heard of drug, next a doctor said I was nervous and covered my mouth due to the uncontrollable shaking, he had no interest in my story or what happened to me, as he thought I was just nervous due to the severe uncontrollable shaking, I wish he would have really listened and taken me seriously, but I think not having insurance may have something to do with why I wasnt treated properly for the drug reaction to Deplin.
***I also lost the ability to laugh, smile, watch tv, or read, have normal conversations and relations with my children that same night 11/7/08. I have children and a family that needs me back. Just days before taking this pill I was fine, happily planning a remodel of my kitchen. You can confirm all I am telling you with my family and friends. I did have occasional anxiety attacks, which passed easily, and nothing what so ever like this. Od of reg folic acid can cause central nervous system damage. Deplin is different and goes straight to the brain. Poison control said I could have had the reaction due to another ingredient in the Deplin.
I cant explain why this happened to me, but it did, and is the 100 percent truth. Why the p.a. gave me this pill for heavy mentrual bleeding is beyond me. Why she lied I have no idea.
I Really need your help asap. I lost 15 pounds in first month and only weigh 92 pounds. Previous to this I took 12.5 mgs of diazepam for some anxiety attacks, had taken 6mgs for 14 plus years. I have NO history of any mental illness, this can be confirmed. I have no ins. and ended up seeing a psychiatrist on 2/6/09 who put me on 60mgs of valium to try to help me, but for some very odd reason it only helps the awful heightened state with no external cause, to an extent less expected by the doctor. I still am not sleeping much as he expected this dose would help either. I am so afraid of being at this high dose, but have no choice. I have no compulsions, no bipolar symptoms, or anything that anyone else thinks matches any exact mental illness heard of.
As I said, I have no history of mental illness, and have at least 40-50 people who can attest to that, as well as medical records.
If it were just nerves, the symptoms would stop with the high dose of valium? I get chills constantly, but also sweat at night, and developed joint/connective tissue pain, and popping in joints. My heart races more at night when trying to sleep and upon awakening, but at other times as well, as well as continued internal shaking, tingling in hands and feet. I am in serious trouble! I am afraid for my life and future! I do not have insurance. I am still having symptoms at this high dose of valium, it doesnt make sense. Some symptoms had subsided some, such as the neuropathy over the past few weeks, and the jerking while half asleep had subsided, but I still have long way to go. Maybe it cant be explained, but it happened. How is it possible that 60mgs only partially effects me?What else could be happening that this reaction changed in me, physically and mentally? Something terrible happened to me that destroyed who I am and my life. I have NO history of drug use/abuse, I do not drink at all, and have never abused my prescription. I don’t know where else to turn.If you have any resources available to help me, please contact me.
I need someone to listen to what happened and help me. I am so scared being at such a high dose of Diazepam (valium) but do not have any other choice right now. I am at the end of what I can take anymore of this and afraid for my future. My husband needs to be out looking for work, and is on unemployment, he cant fix this and is tired. I pray you will hear my pleas today, and help me. I am asking with all my heart and prayers that you will help me asap.Thank you so very much for your immediate consideration,
Sincerely,Jennifer mjstac@comcast.net
The valium is the only thing sustaining my symptoms somewhat, so I don’t have options, but I now have another battle to face with being on such a high dose of this drug. I am still not myself! In December a NP at the Huntsman Cancer Inst. Spoke to a pharmacist there who said what I described happened with the Deplin reaction, was a seizure reaction to it. The only person who has tried to make sense of what happened to me when I took the Deplin. I just know it happened and changed me physically and mentally within hours of taking it, and I am not the same person at all. I want my brain to function normally again, More than anything!I want to feel pleasure, happiness, joy, and have the relations I once had with my family.It is tearing them apart. And I am holding on for dear life. The PA had only met me twice, she gave it to me off label and told me it was for heavy periods. Had that not been said, I wouldnt have taken it, and this wouldnt have happened! It is too late now!
I have been suffering so much, and so scared about whether or not this is the proper treatment taking 60 mg's of valium a day that is oddly barely effecting me.The reaction changed me physically and mentally, and I need the proper treatment for both. I am doing what the psychiatrist says for now, its all I can do. But I am so scared about what will happen next without further help. All I want is my mind to work right again, to feel right again, and to laugh and love again. In Limbo, and praying for a miracle!Sincerely,Jennifer Connelley
Mjstac@comcast.net
Thank you for all your time I appreciate it so very much, and really need to be tossed a lifeline here. What happend to me wasnt my fault!!!!! It was a drug reaction/medical mistake that no one can figure out or help. PLEASE try to get me some help if you can. I dont know if there is anyone willing to help me without insurance, but I am praying for that none the less. Praying to hear from you soon!
Sincerely,Jennifer Connelley
Anyone reading this, if you know of anyone in the medical profession/psychiatrist,Lawyer, etc. who might be interested in my case, please pass on my story. I NEED HELP and am barely hanging on by a thread. I cant take this much longer!!
previously some seizure history and 2 abnormal Mri's 2/07and 8/29/08.
I was not treated, have been and am going through hell. I want my life back! Please help me get my life back. On 11/5/08 I was given a pill deplin(off label) by a pa at doc office. I took it on 11/7/08 p.m. Within hours of taking it I began to shake uncontrollably, head tremor, burning inside and out, severe burning hands and feet, neuropathy, hard pounding racing heart, stomach cramps, unintelligible thinking, diarhea, muscle twitches, and complete insomnia. I developed an unexplained heightened state with no cause. Intense chills in body, especially in legs, tingling hands and feet, head tremor. Convulsive jerks, odd intrusive thoughts, and much more to describe. It has been intolerable. In the last 100 plus days I only slept 1-4 hours using benadryl and 30-40 nights have not slept at all. Poison Control said it could have been one of the other ingredients in the Deplin that caused the reaction, I guess I will never know. My brain litterly shook in my head for about 6-8 weeks, my head shook so hard, and I cant believe that the medical professionals couldnt help me, or get that I had a reaction to a drug that caused it.
No one shakes like that for weeks on end, not even nerves could do that!
I was not treated properly, first hospital never heard of drug, next a doctor said I was nervous and covered my mouth due to the uncontrollable shaking, he had no interest in my story or what happened to me, as he thought I was just nervous due to the severe uncontrollable shaking, I wish he would have really listened and taken me seriously, but I think not having insurance may have something to do with why I wasnt treated properly for the drug reaction to Deplin.
***I also lost the ability to laugh, smile, watch tv, or read, have normal conversations and relations with my children that same night 11/7/08. I have children and a family that needs me back. Just days before taking this pill I was fine, happily planning a remodel of my kitchen. You can confirm all I am telling you with my family and friends. I did have occasional anxiety attacks, which passed easily, and nothing what so ever like this. Od of reg folic acid can cause central nervous system damage. Deplin is different and goes straight to the brain. Poison control said I could have had the reaction due to another ingredient in the Deplin.
I cant explain why this happened to me, but it did, and is the 100 percent truth. Why the p.a. gave me this pill for heavy mentrual bleeding is beyond me. Why she lied I have no idea.
I Really need your help asap. I lost 15 pounds in first month and only weigh 92 pounds. Previous to this I took 12.5 mgs of diazepam for some anxiety attacks, had taken 6mgs for 14 plus years. I have NO history of any mental illness, this can be confirmed. I have no ins. and ended up seeing a psychiatrist on 2/6/09 who put me on 60mgs of valium to try to help me, but for some very odd reason it only helps the awful heightened state with no external cause, to an extent less expected by the doctor. I still am not sleeping much as he expected this dose would help either. I am so afraid of being at this high dose, but have no choice. I have no compulsions, no bipolar symptoms, or anything that anyone else thinks matches any exact mental illness heard of.
As I said, I have no history of mental illness, and have at least 40-50 people who can attest to that, as well as medical records.
If it were just nerves, the symptoms would stop with the high dose of valium? I get chills constantly, but also sweat at night, and developed joint/connective tissue pain, and popping in joints. My heart races more at night when trying to sleep and upon awakening, but at other times as well, as well as continued internal shaking, tingling in hands and feet. I am in serious trouble! I am afraid for my life and future! I do not have insurance. I am still having symptoms at this high dose of valium, it doesnt make sense. Some symptoms had subsided some, such as the neuropathy over the past few weeks, and the jerking while half asleep had subsided, but I still have long way to go. Maybe it cant be explained, but it happened. How is it possible that 60mgs only partially effects me?What else could be happening that this reaction changed in me, physically and mentally? Something terrible happened to me that destroyed who I am and my life. I have NO history of drug use/abuse, I do not drink at all, and have never abused my prescription. I don’t know where else to turn.If you have any resources available to help me, please contact me.
I need someone to listen to what happened and help me. I am so scared being at such a high dose of Diazepam (valium) but do not have any other choice right now. I am at the end of what I can take anymore of this and afraid for my future. My husband needs to be out looking for work, and is on unemployment, he cant fix this and is tired. I pray you will hear my pleas today, and help me. I am asking with all my heart and prayers that you will help me asap.Thank you so very much for your immediate consideration,
Sincerely,Jennifer mjstac@comcast.net
The valium is the only thing sustaining my symptoms somewhat, so I don’t have options, but I now have another battle to face with being on such a high dose of this drug. I am still not myself! In December a NP at the Huntsman Cancer Inst. Spoke to a pharmacist there who said what I described happened with the Deplin reaction, was a seizure reaction to it. The only person who has tried to make sense of what happened to me when I took the Deplin. I just know it happened and changed me physically and mentally within hours of taking it, and I am not the same person at all. I want my brain to function normally again, More than anything!I want to feel pleasure, happiness, joy, and have the relations I once had with my family.It is tearing them apart. And I am holding on for dear life. The PA had only met me twice, she gave it to me off label and told me it was for heavy periods. Had that not been said, I wouldnt have taken it, and this wouldnt have happened! It is too late now!
I have been suffering so much, and so scared about whether or not this is the proper treatment taking 60 mg's of valium a day that is oddly barely effecting me.The reaction changed me physically and mentally, and I need the proper treatment for both. I am doing what the psychiatrist says for now, its all I can do. But I am so scared about what will happen next without further help. All I want is my mind to work right again, to feel right again, and to laugh and love again. In Limbo, and praying for a miracle!Sincerely,Jennifer Connelley
Mjstac@comcast.net
Thank you for all your time I appreciate it so very much, and really need to be tossed a lifeline here. What happend to me wasnt my fault!!!!! It was a drug reaction/medical mistake that no one can figure out or help. PLEASE try to get me some help if you can. I dont know if there is anyone willing to help me without insurance, but I am praying for that none the less. Praying to hear from you soon!
Sincerely,Jennifer Connelley
Anyone reading this, if you know of anyone in the medical profession/psychiatrist,Lawyer, etc. who might be interested in my case, please pass on my story. I NEED HELP and am barely hanging on by a thread. I cant take this much longer!!
previously some seizure history and 2 abnormal Mri's 2/07and 8/29/08.
The Darkest Place
You cant imagine how awful this feels. And makes no sense. This heightened state that the huge dose of 60 mg's of valium a day is barely sustaining. There is nothing behind the heightened state, no compultions, nothing, just feel like I dont want to be in myself anyore. The inability to feel any pleasure, joy, laughter, fun, cant watch tv, or read anymore, it holds no meaning, nothing does.My kids miss me, and I miss them, even though I am still here, I am not here. & not for them.I would have never dreamed this possible. It is beyond comprehension. I called the Dr. again, and he has nothing else to offer me aside from the valium. I am hopeless. I developed a mental disorder/illness overnight due to a drug reaction that was not treated. It is out of my system now, but the damage is done!I can respond with a smile, but it isnt real, just a reflex of the old me. Many of the physical symptoms have subsided other than muscle twitches/jumps, and my body feels beaten, joints aching, and still shaking quite a bit. There is no point in my life anymore, without being able to feel joy, without happiness, laughter, love, there is no point in living! I keep praying, and others have prayed for me as well.I still cant believe this happened to me. And I doubt anyone reading this can really even begin to comprehend how this feels.There is no point to my life anymore, it is a miserable existance, but I dont want to die either, I just want to get better, to be rescued, but it has been 109 days since I took the Deplin, and I havent felt one single good feeling or emotion since. I dont even remember how it feels to laugh anymore, or enjoy anything.I recall what a loving, laughing, happy person I was, but she is gone. This is the darkest place to be! Someone please help me!It may not beable to be explained why this reaction happened to me or why it effected me this way, but it did happen. All I want is my life back, to love and smile and laugh, and live again.
Posted by Jencon at 2:24 PM
Posted by Jencon at 2:24 PM
No way to live!
Last night I touched up Ambers hair color. I remember I used to love to do this for her, we would chat, joke and laugh. I did it last because I know I love her, but felt nothing, I hate this!I just did it mechanically, unable to interact, unable to feel. GOD she was my best friend, and all her friends loved being at our house and joking and laughing with me too. But I am not really here anymore. This state of being is not livable. A life without the ability to feel joy, laughter, happiness, and the inability to relate to others joy is not an acceptable life. I NEVER would have dreamed before 11/7/2008 when my brain was basically damaged by deplin, that I would ever consider killing myself for any reason what so ever. But thoughts of suicide are entering my mind. And who could blame me, if they felt what I do now. It is beyond anything you can comprehend, I promise you that much. I will hold on, pray, and hold onto faith that a miracle is about to happen, at least a thread of hope for help is comming. If not, than I suppose God may be done with me, and have some reason He wants me to endure this. After 110 days with no ability to feel pleasure of any kind, my will and strength to hang on are waining. Ive written to the Dr. Phil show, and even Oprah, but no response. I cant expect the world to stop to save my life. Although I wish I could. I hate to hurt my family, and I really dont want to die, but my brain is not getting better yet. I have emailed prayer requests to tv programs, and local churches, for help. Thats how desperate I am for help. But there is none it seems. I will wait a few more days, see if my some miracle that someone comes to my rescue, or that the new doctor I see on thursday has something better to treat me with, and actually read my story about all that is happening to me since having a bad reaction to a medication given to me off label my the pa.
I cant be expected to live this way. Thank you Lord for all the good years with my family, thank you for my wonderful children, I am proud of them all. They are wonderful people, and I have been blessed by them. Thank you for my husband, who has done so much to help, but feels defeated because he cant help me, bless him. Thank you for my parents who have loved me, and done so much for me and our family, I have truely been blessed with a wonderful family. But I can no longer show them appreication, or really truely appreicate them anymore either. Something in my brain is gone, and 110 days has been long enough to hold on. Ive had enough. Love to all, and God bless you Always! My children, you have been the light of my life, and I will always be greatful for that. Please be understanding that I am no longer the mother you once had. Please remember me as I was before what happened to me. Love FOREVER MOM, Jennifer
Posted by Jencon at 6:55 PM
I cant be expected to live this way. Thank you Lord for all the good years with my family, thank you for my wonderful children, I am proud of them all. They are wonderful people, and I have been blessed by them. Thank you for my husband, who has done so much to help, but feels defeated because he cant help me, bless him. Thank you for my parents who have loved me, and done so much for me and our family, I have truely been blessed with a wonderful family. But I can no longer show them appreication, or really truely appreicate them anymore either. Something in my brain is gone, and 110 days has been long enough to hold on. Ive had enough. Love to all, and God bless you Always! My children, you have been the light of my life, and I will always be greatful for that. Please be understanding that I am no longer the mother you once had. Please remember me as I was before what happened to me. Love FOREVER MOM, Jennifer
Posted by Jencon at 6:55 PM
Lost cause?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Lost cause?
Dear Dr. Phil, *emailed show today Feb 21st, 09
is my situation so unusual that is why the doctor I've seen dont know how to help me or what to check for?Something horrible happend to me when I had a severe/adverse allergic reaction to something, that effecting me so badly that it destroyed my life. So, aside from a psychiatrist who is giving me 60 mg's of valium a day that is barely sustaining me for some odd reason, I am not getting any other treatment. I still cant laugh, smile, have no desire, no joy, no sense of fun or happiness, still cant read, watch tv, and nothing seems to make sense.The odd heightened horrible state is brimming below the surface at all times even on this high dose of valium I am on. My brain literally shook in my head all those weeks, and it seems nothing can be done, but try to sedate me, which isnt working anyway.If the high dose of 60 mg's of valium were just to treat anxiety, wouldnt I then feel calm and some of my normal emotions come back while taking it?
***** My sweet wonderful daughter who excels in school, is a student body officer, and taking college classes as well at the age 0f 16 took an overdose the other night of midol because of the stress over me. She was treated and released from the hospital, but she is not okay, and this isnt fair to her. I dont know what to do. My whole family is in turmoil, and my condition is effecting them so badly. My sweet daughter has basically lost her mother, I am not the same person at all. I was always there to talk with her, laugh, have our tv night, go shopping, have lunch together, etc. But my joy sensors, and other sensors like being able to relate to others, or follow a conversation, and even have empathy, are dead, or asleep. I hope the latter, and that someone can help me, or know someone who can, and that it might still be possible for me to get my self back! If anyone had any idea how awful it feels to be me right now, I doubt they would want to live another day, esp after going through this and waiting to get well and return since this began on 11/7/08. I hate the person this change has made me into. I am hanging on by a thread, just hoping by some miracle and the Grace of God that there is still hope for me! I used to be the one everyone went to rent a movie with. I cooked dinner, danced and cleaned. It is all gone, I am gone, and my brain finds no point in anything. I have this awful feeling of not wanting to be in my own mind and body any longer. I couldnt have ever imagined before 11/7/08 that such feeling could exist in anyone! Lord, Rescue me (and my family) from this. My children have lost their mother, you wouldnt even believe I am the same person I was before I had the reaction. If I could have my brain back, my good emotions, feelings, and the real me back, that is ALL I want! God I pray someone you know can help. I cant fix this, or me, on my own. There is something very off in my brain and body.Something went terribly wrong when I took that pill. Our home is not a happy place any longer because of me. And no where is a happy place for me, as I don’t have that emotion any longer. Praying to hear from you soon! Hanging on by a thin thread!Sincerely, If you know of any Christian psychiatrists in SLC area, please email me at mjstac@comcast.net
Lost cause?
Dear Dr. Phil, *emailed show today Feb 21st, 09
is my situation so unusual that is why the doctor I've seen dont know how to help me or what to check for?Something horrible happend to me when I had a severe/adverse allergic reaction to something, that effecting me so badly that it destroyed my life. So, aside from a psychiatrist who is giving me 60 mg's of valium a day that is barely sustaining me for some odd reason, I am not getting any other treatment. I still cant laugh, smile, have no desire, no joy, no sense of fun or happiness, still cant read, watch tv, and nothing seems to make sense.The odd heightened horrible state is brimming below the surface at all times even on this high dose of valium I am on. My brain literally shook in my head all those weeks, and it seems nothing can be done, but try to sedate me, which isnt working anyway.If the high dose of 60 mg's of valium were just to treat anxiety, wouldnt I then feel calm and some of my normal emotions come back while taking it?
***** My sweet wonderful daughter who excels in school, is a student body officer, and taking college classes as well at the age 0f 16 took an overdose the other night of midol because of the stress over me. She was treated and released from the hospital, but she is not okay, and this isnt fair to her. I dont know what to do. My whole family is in turmoil, and my condition is effecting them so badly. My sweet daughter has basically lost her mother, I am not the same person at all. I was always there to talk with her, laugh, have our tv night, go shopping, have lunch together, etc. But my joy sensors, and other sensors like being able to relate to others, or follow a conversation, and even have empathy, are dead, or asleep. I hope the latter, and that someone can help me, or know someone who can, and that it might still be possible for me to get my self back! If anyone had any idea how awful it feels to be me right now, I doubt they would want to live another day, esp after going through this and waiting to get well and return since this began on 11/7/08. I hate the person this change has made me into. I am hanging on by a thread, just hoping by some miracle and the Grace of God that there is still hope for me! I used to be the one everyone went to rent a movie with. I cooked dinner, danced and cleaned. It is all gone, I am gone, and my brain finds no point in anything. I have this awful feeling of not wanting to be in my own mind and body any longer. I couldnt have ever imagined before 11/7/08 that such feeling could exist in anyone! Lord, Rescue me (and my family) from this. My children have lost their mother, you wouldnt even believe I am the same person I was before I had the reaction. If I could have my brain back, my good emotions, feelings, and the real me back, that is ALL I want! God I pray someone you know can help. I cant fix this, or me, on my own. There is something very off in my brain and body.Something went terribly wrong when I took that pill. Our home is not a happy place any longer because of me. And no where is a happy place for me, as I don’t have that emotion any longer. Praying to hear from you soon! Hanging on by a thin thread!Sincerely, If you know of any Christian psychiatrists in SLC area, please email me at mjstac@comcast.net
Pamlab doesnt have to answer to anyone
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Pamlab doesnt care, not FDA approved, so they dont have to answer to anyone!
Pamlab makes Deplin. And they dont have to answer to anyone, although Deplin only available by prescription (or sample from your doctors office as in my case) it is NOT FDA approved! It IS NOT really any form of regular Folic Acid in any way shape or form! It is L methylfolate! It does not have to be broken down by the body at all. It goes directly to the brain! It effects all brain chemicals, and according to the pharmacology, which is hard to find by the way, there are adverse reactions. However the company refuses to tell me what those are! They said they dont have to, because they dont have to answer to the FDA! It is basically an overdose of a much stronger form of folic acid, and it is not water soluable either, it is 52 percent plasma protien binding, enough time to stay in your system to cause damage, as it did to me. Pamlab refused to help me when I called them within days of my reaction, and they have refused to connect me with their legal dept. or give me the number to contact them. Blood tests are supposed to be done before being given to patients, but I guess the pa wasnt aware, or didnt care? Nor did she investigate to know enough about this DRUG and what it was for. She said it was for heavy mentrual cycle. A complete lie! I cant explain why I had the reaction I did. There are plenty of people who have reactions everyday to things without explaination. It happened to me! I just want my life back! More than anything I want whatever went out of whack in my brain to be fixed. This may mean taking medications now. Its hard to accept. But I want to smile again! I want to be a mom again, to be the center of our home again, but right now I am in so much turmoil that I am unable. I pray for the right doctor, and for healing! Amen! It makes no sense to me that A DRUG THAT IS ONLY AVAILABLE BY PRESCRIPTION IS SUPPOSED TO BE FDA APPROVED, YET DEPLIN IS NOT! They claim it does not have to be FDA approved! Something very wrong with that! & even if I am the one in a hundred thousand with this reaction, Pamlab should care and have to answer! So, did you give permission to the P.A. to give Deplin off label for heavy periods?Still waiting to hear from you! Ive contacted your company 15 times!
Pamlab doesnt care, not FDA approved, so they dont have to answer to anyone!
Pamlab makes Deplin. And they dont have to answer to anyone, although Deplin only available by prescription (or sample from your doctors office as in my case) it is NOT FDA approved! It IS NOT really any form of regular Folic Acid in any way shape or form! It is L methylfolate! It does not have to be broken down by the body at all. It goes directly to the brain! It effects all brain chemicals, and according to the pharmacology, which is hard to find by the way, there are adverse reactions. However the company refuses to tell me what those are! They said they dont have to, because they dont have to answer to the FDA! It is basically an overdose of a much stronger form of folic acid, and it is not water soluable either, it is 52 percent plasma protien binding, enough time to stay in your system to cause damage, as it did to me. Pamlab refused to help me when I called them within days of my reaction, and they have refused to connect me with their legal dept. or give me the number to contact them. Blood tests are supposed to be done before being given to patients, but I guess the pa wasnt aware, or didnt care? Nor did she investigate to know enough about this DRUG and what it was for. She said it was for heavy mentrual cycle. A complete lie! I cant explain why I had the reaction I did. There are plenty of people who have reactions everyday to things without explaination. It happened to me! I just want my life back! More than anything I want whatever went out of whack in my brain to be fixed. This may mean taking medications now. Its hard to accept. But I want to smile again! I want to be a mom again, to be the center of our home again, but right now I am in so much turmoil that I am unable. I pray for the right doctor, and for healing! Amen! It makes no sense to me that A DRUG THAT IS ONLY AVAILABLE BY PRESCRIPTION IS SUPPOSED TO BE FDA APPROVED, YET DEPLIN IS NOT! They claim it does not have to be FDA approved! Something very wrong with that! & even if I am the one in a hundred thousand with this reaction, Pamlab should care and have to answer! So, did you give permission to the P.A. to give Deplin off label for heavy periods?Still waiting to hear from you! Ive contacted your company 15 times!
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