Feeling a little better, but having to take med's to do so. Still not sleeping enough, but its a bit better than it was. Just trying to stay busy around the house while I am getting slowly better.
Dad and Mom are coming to visit this week, and I'm happy about that, we need their support
right now, and I miss them. Amber is doing a bit better as well, thank God!

Almost 5 months later

Its been nearly five months since I took the Deplin! Some of my physical symptoms have improved, such as my heart doesnt race anymore, and Ive gained 6 pounds (due to the zyprexa I presume), and I dont jerk in my sleep anymore, and only have mild muscle twitches. I still shake often, which is odd to me, being on medications, and makes me wonder if it isnt nerve damage from what I went through.
Im still in disbelief. I sleep a bit better some nights, and am getting about an hours more sleep.
BUT what hasnt improved as much is my mental status. I am still not me. The medictions barely keep the awful heightend feeling at bay, and I still cant connect to others, or feel any emotions of pleasure, connect with anyone, and havent been able to laugh in 5 months!
That is the worst part of this. I fear it will never return.
I am no longer seeing the Doctor who put me on 60 mg's of valium a day, swore at me, and told me to stuff it and learn to live being miserable. However, my new Doctor recently had surgery, and it turned out to be cancer. I hope he gets well. And selfishly for my own sake as well.
This isnt some "normal' depression, or bipolar thing at all. Something happened when I took the Deplin and received no treatment for the reaction, which I still cant comprehend either.
THIS is the most awful thing to live with, I pray everyday, I just want to be me again, to have my life back, to be calm, and to laugh again.
I am taking 42 1/4 mg's valium a day (I wish that first psyciatrist would have never raised my diazepam so high (valium). And 10 to 12.6 mg's Zyprexa. I quit taking the Lexapro for a few days so I can see if the Zyprexa is helping me. It is to some extent of coarse, but it doesnt make me feel normal by any means or like my self. I feel like Ive aged 50 years. I dont know what to do everyday, the days are long and empty, and I just do the dishes and laundry without feeling.
It scares the heck out of me being on this much diazepam, especially where I really dont feel much from taking it, or at least I dont think I do. And I have no idea how I'm going to get off of it, or how long that will take. The future scares me, as I dont know the answer to that, or know if I will recover. In my desperation Ive written the Dr. Phil Show, as well as Oprah, I guess on the hope that what happend to me would matter and that they would have resources to help me that I dont have. I havent heard back from them, and am losing hope that I will.
I may not be anyone to them, but I was someone to my family, who still needs me back.
Amber is now having to take antidepressants, and seeing a psyciatrist and councelor because she became suicidal over all of this. This isnt the daughter I knew, and it is so wrong how losing me this way has effected her. My husband couldnt handle it either, and after well over 540 days sober after a dui in 07, he drank two beers and went for a drive (dumb I know) and got pulled over speeding. I wish he would have sought counceling himself, and so does he. He was trying to escape the wrong way, and now he is going to serve time in jail. What will we do without him?
I cant do this alone, I still am not better, and have a long way to go. His probation officer has no compasion and is pushing for the maximum. Our close knit happy family has fallen apart peice by peice. I will keep praying, and trying the best I can. I still cant watch tv either, or read yet.
I seriously feel like I have neuro damage, I was always smart as a whip, loved to read, dance, sing, etc. but that is all gone now. I cant even figure out how to do my taxes, when I used to do taxes for everyone! Dear God, how much longer must I wait? Please bless my family with a miracle, bring Amber comfort and keep her safe. Please help me. Amen

Medications & still no laughter

I am taking 3 medications now
15 mgs zyprexa
20 mgs lexapro
45 mgs diazepam (reduced myself from 60mgs previous dr had me take)
12.5 mgs benadryl at night

I still dont feel right, or like myself, and still cant feel pleasure, laugh, or enjoy anything.
Something is very wrong, but without insurance, there isnt much I can do to find out what,
other than to do this, and believe that the reaction I had to deplin left untreated caused me
to develope a "mental illness" at the age of 41!

Links on left

Click on and Read "how it began"

Slow Progress

I have a long way to go, and now have to take medications I would have never dreamed of.
I still dont feel right, or like myself at all. But with the help of this new Doctor, who is considerate of my situation, I am trying to have faith that I will get better soon.
Still havent laughed, or felt joy, waiting for the antidepressant to kick in, pray it helps soon. I am still shaking, and having tremors at this high dose of meds, which indicates to me that there is more to this, but without resources and insurance there is nothing more I can do. Still not feeling so great, not myself, but a little better, and sleeping more. Going to have to talk to Doctor next week appt. not sure how the antidepressent can work when the zyprexa blocks serotonin?
I keep praying I will wake up, and this was all a bad dream, but it is my life, and I need help so desperatly! 3/12/09 125 days today! God Help Me!

my new life since taking Deplin

I am in hysterics, if thats what you call it. I went to the psychiatrist wanting to get off the valium I was on (15 mgs a day) and being put on other meds to help me. Instead he raised my valium to 60 mg's a day. It helped for a few days to some extent, but no longer works, and in some ways I feel worse, more suicidal than ever. Never dreamed I would be suicidal.Anyway, this isnt the right doctor for me, so I went to a new one yesterday(march 2nd).I am still going to have to take the high dose of valium for a while, while I add new meds, so we know what is what as far as side effects go. Taking Zyprexa and Lexapro now as well.Never dreamed in a million years I would ever need these types of meds what so ever.I have no control over what ever imbalance happened in my body and brain due to the Deplin reacton, if I did, I WOULD BE BETTER! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs right now.I hate the way I feel. This heightened state with no cause that I can think of is INTOLERABLE! I need to get well, I still cant feel any pleasure emotions, laugh, feel joy, etc. Worse than you can imagine. Just praying He will be the one who will know how to treat me, or a better way to help me. Praying these meds might bring me back to even some resemblance of who I was before taking the Deplin. This doctor really listened and cared, so I have hope that is the right one to help me, as far as I can be helped. However, I still have symptoms such as muscle twitching, and shaking, so likely nervous system damage imo, that meds arent going to fix. This is my last straw. Holding onto my last thread of hope and faith! I dont even know how Im going to make it until then..... Ive been living this for 115 days!!!! Enough is enough. I wish I wouldnt have taken the deplin! If only I could go back.....
3/4/09 The new doctor took a lot more interest in my symptoms, what happened, and actually listened, and took much more time to determine how to help me. I think this one will actually help me the best he can, and really seemed to care.
And not being heard, yelled at and sworn at like the last one was also a major plus.
Keep praying!

Exodus

I am still waiting to hear from you! Who gave P.A. Janee Gillette the permission to prescribe Deplin to me off label for heavy periods? Did the drug rep recommend this? Why werent blood tests performed prior, as the pharmacology about Deplin says should be done? If this medication wouldnt have been given to me off label, for something IT IS NOT FOR, this wouldnt have happened. I deserve some answers, and still waiting to hear from you Janee, as well as your medical director. I deserve some answers, and not going to let this be swept under the rug any longer! I called two weeks ago, and was told today by H.R. That you say you have tried to call me. I have caller ID and NO one from your facility has tried to contact me at all! As well, your clinic was aware when I came in on 11/9/08 due to this, that there was a problem, I appreciate the N.P. trying to help, but enough wasnt done or paid attention to, its time you respond. Finally heard from Janee yesterday, she sort of apologized, but said she gave me the Deplin for anxiety. Thats odd, I recall I was in a great mood that day, and we didnt discuss anxiety at all. The focus was on my heavy periods. Either way, it was prescribed off label, as it isnt for anxiety either. She claimed she would have had to do a LUMBAR PUNCTURE to test me before giving it to me for folic acid deficiency. What? This woman should NOT be playing psychiatrist when she is a P.A. And she DID prescribe me the Deplin sample for heavy mentrual cycle, and she knows it. The question is why? Either way it was off label, and if it required a lumbar puncture, why the heck would she give it to me at all! And the appt prior she gave me a bottle of lamictal for no reason at all other than trying to take over for my neurologist, which I didnt take. Wish I wouldnt have taken the Deplin, but she said it would help my heavy periods, so I was willing. If only I could go back.... and not take it!